road back to hope.

my hope in writing this is to encourage those going through the same thing, as well as to challenge the stigma attached to so-called "mental disorders" and therapy.

I havent blogged in quite a while. This has nothing to do with a lack of time, but rather a lack of words to say, and even more so a lack of courage to be honest. But now the time has come, and its amazing to even expereince myself sharing all that i am about to.

What i have expereinced in the last 6 months is really no stranger to any of us. At least, if we are completely honest with ourselves. And to some degree or another, i would admit that, in my life thus far, it is not necessarily something totally new or surprising. But what i will also admit that i have never expereinced it in such a crippling capacity as i have the last 6 months. What is it?

Anxiety.

Gripping, darkening, reality-shaking, hope-destroying anxiety. The kind that appears so suddenly you are taken completely off-guard and instantly find yourself living a small, self-consumed box where you lie in wait for some tragedy to occur. The Lord has been so gracious, that at this point, i cant even remember all of my symptoms. All i know is that i was afraid of everything. Every cold meant i had cancer, every time i couldnt get a hold of my husband meant he was dead, and every bill we recieved in the mail meant that we were doomed to become homeless.

Initially, i was in denial about the whole thing. After all, i had two good reasons to be immune to such anxiety. One: I had my degree in counseling. I knew all about anxiety disorders, all about how they present themselves... i had written papers on the very thing i was experiencing. Surely someone who had a degree in helping someone else through anxiety couldnt experience it themselves. Two: I am a Christian. I "knew" that God was sovereign and faithful and loved me and such... everything that I am supposed to say. If i knew so much about God, why was i afraid of Him?

My denial worked for a little while.. until the panic attacks came on. You really cant know the scariness of what they are like until you have one. But essentially, i had lost control. I knew it was time for help. So, after much prayer and getting a recommendation from our pastor, I made an appointment with a Christian Counselor. She was kind, caring, compassionate, listened to all i had to say, and suggested the very thing i feared the most:

Medication.

Now let me just state something quickly: I am not anti-medication. Through my study of abnormal psychology I have taken the time to process and formulate my opinions about using medication to even out brain chemistry and aid in mental disorders. I would have no problem recommending it to someone else.. but not me. After all, medication was for crazy people. And yet, there was no denying that something had a firm hold on my ability to think clearly. And at this point, i guess i was willing to try anything. And so, the next day i found myself picking up a prescription for anti-anxiety drugs. Me.

As the days and weeks passed, i found myself getting better. In my counseling sessions, i processed through many years of hurt. I renounced Satan's hold on me. I explored my fear of God's sovereignty, re-discovered His love for me, and heard His voice more clearly than i had in years. I felt safe and secure and untouchable in His arms.

Let me make something very clear: medication did not cure me. But what it DID do, was clear my mind enough to make me capable of processing. Capable of discovering and repairing the root of my anxiety. I finally feel free of bondage.

I learned many things through this process:
1. God will do whatever it takes to bring you back around. I had grown so apathetic in my faith, it took me getting to a place of absolute brokeness to fall back in love with my Savior. And im thankful for it.
2. Medication and Therapy does not make you crazy. We all deal with anxiety, depression, and other issues to one degree or another. Its time we are honest and stop being afraid to talk to someone.
3. Vulnerable = strong. I swore i would never tell anyone about what i was going through. I was embarrassed and ashamed. And yet, here i am. My family knows, my close friends know, and now everyone who reads my blog knows (so... two more people). Being willing to share and ask for prayer and support was key in my healing.
4. I am not fixed. Anxiety will continue to be a struggle for me. Fears still come. the difference is that they no longer have control over me. I am safe in the arms of my Savior.

Psalm 86:4-7
Gladden the soul of your servant,
for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.
For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving,
abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.
Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer;
listen to my plea for grace.
In the day of my trouble I call upon you,
for you answer me.