Well, my baby girl is already 11 weeks old. She has been fed, and is sorta content in her musical vibrating bouncy seat right now, so maybe I should grab this opportunity to finally write this blog. (By the way, surely there is a market for these seats in adult sizes. I think we would all be less stressed)
Thinking back to when Evan and I got married 3 1/2 years ago, I remember feeling like a mirror was being held up to show me my selfishness. I thought, "wow, Im selfish." Then I had a baby. Now my thought is, "wow, Im the most selfish person in the whole world." Sanctification is the process by which we become more like Christ, and less like our sinful nature. Im discovering that there are few things more sanctifying than becoming a parent. The past 11 weeks have been filled with so many emotions: frustration, exhaustion, sheer joy, anxiety, and the list goes on. In the midst of so many emotions however, the Lord has been so gracious in teaching me a few things here and there. By no means have these lessons been learned (in the sense of completion), but here are at least the top 6 that I am in the process of learning.
1. God is a Father. This attribute of His has never been so real to me. Nor had I ever really grasped what is means that He is our father. I think Im starting to to get a glimpse of it. Firstly, it means sacrifice. I can easily think of the things I have sacrificed to be a parent. My body, my time, my hobbies, my sleep. And, even though at times I pout about the loss of these things, ultimately, I am happy to make the sacrifice. I wouldn't trade her in for anything. But these sacrifices are so small. What did Christ sacrifice for me? His life. He gave His life so that I could be brought back into a relationship with God. He gave His life to give me freedom from sin. And ultimately, I am given life eternal with Him in heaven someday. And He did it because He loves me. Thats awesome. Way better sacrifice than some flabby skin and a few less hours of sleep. Secondly, it means love. Unconditional, unfaltering, faithful love. I feel this for Clara. But what I feel for Clara looks more like I kinda like her compared to how God loves me. Wow. And, as much as I want to give Clara good things, how much more does my Heavenly Father want to give me what will turn out for my good.
2. Do not be anxious about anything. But in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, with transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6, 7) I have had quite a journey with anxiety. I don't have to look for things to worry about. They come to me. So imagine the wreck I am with this little bundle of potential anxiety living in my house. There are so many things that could go wrong. SIDS, illness, deformity, under-development, failure to thrive, getting into a car accident, picking the wrong college, dating a bad guy... there are so many things that could happen to Clara. (trust me, I have exhausted the list). BUT, God did not give me a spirit of fear. I have to make the conscious choice every day to hand her over to Him. She does not belong to me, she has been entrusted to me. He loves her far more than I ever will. And no amount of worrying or google searches will give me anymore control. She is His, and I have to trust Him with her life.
3. Be here now. Celebrate the little victories. Don't wish away moments. This one is a hard one for me. When she was born, I couldn't wait until she smiled at me. Now she smiles at me, but I cant wait to hear her giggle. That first month of sleepless nights, I couldn't wait for her to sleep a solid 8 hours. Now she does that, but I cant wait until she sleep longer. And is able to cry herself to sleep instead of needing to be walked around the house. I couldn't wait for her to start interacting with toys. Now I cant wait for her to be able to sit. and crawl. and walk. and drive. Its so easy to look forward to the next stage and totally miss what she's doing now. And, just because she slept for almost 10 hours one night, doesn't mean she wont want to see you at 3am the next night. Its ok. Be glad for the 10 hours. Take it a night at a time.
4. Don't play the comparison game. I think every mother has dabbled in this at some point. There are strong opinions about every possible decision you'll every have to make. And they start before the baby is even here. Natural birth? Epidural? Doctor? Midwife? Then the baby comes. Vaccinate? Schedule? On-demand feedings? Breastfeeding? Formula? Pacifiers? Cry it out? Apparently, no matter what decision you make, you're ruining your child. I know all moms are mostly well-intending, but its never helpful to hear things like, "Well, my child...." or "Well, what I do is...." Every child is different. Every parent is different. There are many things that Evan and I have had to simply pray about, come to a decision, and stick with. And sure we'll take some advice... if we ask for it :)
5. Give yourself grace. You'd think this would be easy. Since my name is Grace. But I think that God ordained my name to be something I would really struggle with. I've had to learn that its ok if my day doesnt go as planned. Sometimes the dishes don't get done. Sometimes I dont get a shower. Sometimes, pregnancy weight takes a while to go away. Sometimes in the midst of having an infant, I havent completed my to-do list of cleaning the house, doing a pinterest craft, working out, saving the world, and getting homemade whole-ingredient dinner on the table by 5. (And sometimes, I sit down to write a blog, and I only get about a paragraph done at a time because, well... I have a baby.) Sometimes the only thing I have accomplished during my day is loving my baby girl. And thats ok. In fact, it sounds like a pretty awesome day to me. God's grace is sufficient. His power is made perfect in my weakness.
6. Dont forget about daddy. Evan is so awesome. He is truly the very best man to be my husband and Clara's dad. He is pretty much super-man when it comes to balancing working, being a full-time grad student, being the youth director at our church, and loving me and our daughter. But even super-man needs loving. Super-man needs a wife who encourages, cares, listens, and prioritizes time with. Its really easy to forget about him when the baby is sucking the life and energy out of me (in a good way, of course...). But the best gift we can give Clara is us having a strong marriage.
I know I have only scratched the surface of what kind of lessons parenthood will bring. But thank the Lord that there will be more lessons. I'd hate to get cocky about this whole thing.
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