A letter for my boy, on your first birthday.

Oliver Lee,

I can't believe it's been 365 days since I first held you in my arms. That moment only solidified that fierce, protective love I've had for you since they day we learned of your existence. Not every day this year has been easy. In fact, most have been hard, but every single day I have been thankful that God chose me to be your mommy. I am not the same person I was a year ago. I've felt deeper, cried more, felt more intense joy. I've worried more, and I've learned to trust more. I've grasped desperately for control, and I've learned to let go of control. I've asked the ever burning question "why?" and I've learned thankfulness.  I've wrestled intensely with God, and in the end, I've come to trust His goodness and love for me all the more. We've had our setbacks, but we've had our huge victories. I'll never forget the first time I looked into your eyes- and three months later when you first looked into mine. How can I do anything but praise the One who created you? 

Us special needs parents are often referred to as "advocates." And we are. Many times we're the only ones fighting for our babies. But Ollie- for as many times as I've had to fight for you, there is One who has been fighting even harder for you from the beginning of time. And He doesn't just fight for your health- but He fights for your heart. He loves you, He created you, He even died for you.   Perfect vision and health cannot replace the joy to be found in knowing Jesus. And nothing would bring me more joy as your mommy than to someday know you've given your heart to Him. He fights for you.

I don't know what struggles you'll have growing up. But I know you'll have some. I mean, don't we all? And people can be so unkind. Kids on the playground can be unkind. Don't let anger stir up. Don't let bitterness take root. I pray you'll stand up for yourself with kindness and confidence- not just because you're you and you're special (although you absolutely are!!) but because you're HIS. That's the only identity of yours that matters. And goodness boy, just love those people. Love people so so deeply. Because we are so deeply loved. 

Your name means "peace." We picked that name for you even before you were born. It's been so significant for us this year, and I pray it's a name that becomes increasingly true of you as you grow up. 

Oliver Lee, I love you so so much. I'm so proud to be your mommy. Happy birthday.